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Slaughterhouse Blues

Slaughterhouse Blues catches up with Bill and Fiona, the chattery and gun-happy anti-heroes of A Brutal Bunch of Heartbroken Saps, soon after they’ve escaped the Rockaway Mob, the criminal enterprise from which Bill “borrowed” several million dollars.

Holed up in Havana, Bill and Fiona know the Mob is coming for them—it’s just a question of time. But they’re not prepared for who the Mob sends: a pair of assassins so utterly amoral and demented, their behavior pushes the boundaries of sanity. Seriously, what kind of killers pause in mid-hunt to discuss the finer points of thread count and luxury automobiles?

Forced on the run (again), Bill and Fiona will venture from the crumbling streets of Cuba to the steaming jungles of Nicaragua, and finally back to the mean streets of New York City. If they want to survive, our fine young criminals can’t retreat anymore: they’ll need to pull off a massive (and massively weird) heist—and the loot has some very dark history…


A Brutal Bunch of Heartbroken Saps

Bill is a hustler’s hustler with a taste for the high life. He pulls off big scores for one of New York City’s more vicious gangs…until he suddenly grows a conscience. However, living the clean life takes a whole lot of money, and so Bill decides to steal a fortune from his employer before skipping town.

Pursued by crooked cops, dimwitted bouncers, and a wisecracking assassin in the midst of a midlife crisis, Bill will need to be a quick study in the way of the gun if he wants to survive his own getaway. Who knew that an honest attempt at redemption could rack up a body count like this?

‘A Brutal Bunch of Heartbroken Saps’ is a gonzo noir journey into obsession, violence, and the power of love.

Praise for A BRUTAL BUNCH OF HEARTBROKEN SAPS:

“Dark, bleak and in-your-face, take-no-prisoners prose, everything you want in crime fiction.” —Frank Bill, author of Donnybrook and Crimes in Southern Indiana.

“Kolakowski’s got a gift of scratching his readers’ itch for pulpy, gut-wrenching narrative that moves a mile a minute and never lets you go. A Brutal Bunch of Heartbroken Saps is a hell of a yarn that sets the stage for what should be an essential series for fans of the genre.” —Angel Luis Colón, author of No Happy Endings and The Fury of Blacky Jaguar.

“Ruthless, off-the-wall and surprisingly heartfelt, A Brutal Bunch of Heartbroken Saps is much more than a heist book, and showcases the skills of an emerging writer in Nick Kolakowski. Featuring memorable characters, a down-on-his-luck protagonist and a story that’s equal parts insane and sincere, Saps is the kind of book you read fast and revisit immediately to savor the experience again.” —Alex Segura, acclaimed author of Dangerous Ends and Down the Dark Street.

Available now. Order it here: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

Somebody’s Trying to Kill Me

A bounty hunter tears through the underworld in search of a pair of stolen assault rifles. Somewhere in the Southwestern desert, a college dropout trades textbooks and keggers for ripping off mob dealers. Up in Harlem, a liquor-store owner gambles with his life during a high-stakes robbery, while down in Brooklyn, a penniless novelist finds himself tangled in a mystery involving tattooed freaks, damaged supermodels, and hipsters who can’t shoot straight.

SOMEBODY’S TRYING TO KILL ME features seventeen adrenaline-charged noir thrillers, including the titular novella. Some of these dark tales have been published in Thuglit, Shotgun Honey, Crime Syndicate, and other crime-fiction magazines; more are all new; and every single one of them is guaranteed to keep you turning pages until dawn.

Available now. Order it here: Print | Kindle


How to Become an Intellectual

If you think you need a PhD in Greek and Roman philosophy from an Ivy League school to call yourself an intellectual, reconsider your supposition. While you may envy the initials that follow distinguished names of professors and the intellectual elite, it’s not the mortar board and scholarly robes you need—it’s the obscure esoterica. In this primer, you’ll learn to walk the talk of the intelligentsia, leaving simpletons and pseudo-intellectuals in your dust.

Inside How to Become an Intellectual, you will find the prodigious truths every self-respecting learned person lives by. This code of scholarly behavior allows aspiring high-brows like yourself to educate their unfortunate lessers, amaze their Mensa friends, and impress their fellow wise people—one distinguished bon mot at a time!

Available now. Order it here: Amazon | Barnes & Noble